The bed and my heart

There’s a empty bed and a full heart. Shouldn’t the full heart compensate for the empty bed? Shouldn’t the vagaries of emotion which I feel towards her make sure that I don’t miss her wherever I go esp. since she is within me, inside me, within my heart?

But then it doesn’t affect you much in daylight this hankering and need for her. Somehow just as the sunlight is nothing but the diffused white light of a rainbow, the daytime diffuses the emotions and makes you feel strangely full and work on what’s right in front of you.

The night time is different. As the sun rests and there are no more birds in the sky to distract you from the emotions of your heart, The voice of her reverbates through your heart, moves to your brain and then to the vestiges of your body until such a time, you can think of nothing but her.

Is it that difficult? After all there was a part of your life, where you did not know her and you were perfectly fine. But then, what now? Why does even a temporary seperation burn through your heart, drive a sword through your soul and make your whole body feel as if it’s on the seventh stage of hell?

As night hits, and the day winds down; the need for your love. Your soul increases. You pick the phone. You talk. You video call. There are protestations of love and sweet nothings. But then something is missing. Something was always missed. You talk for hours but then once you keep the phone down you always feel like you are missing something.

Whats that I am missing? Every chance we get, every 5 minute free slot we converse, we chat, we send messages all day long; shouldn’t that be good enough in this period where we are away from each other. Tech has bought us closer. Oddly, I believe it makes us also feel apart. Everytime we talk, chat, video call there’s a distinct thought running in the back of your head. “She is not with me here, right now!”

Why is it so? As the bustling group of humanity melt away along with sunlight and after your conversation with your soul mate, it’s dark outside and you are alone in your thoughts. Shouldn’t I feel complete? Shouldn’t I hit the bed and the snooze button and dive into my world of dreams? Why is there, this yearning for something more?

Why am I feeling this way? It’s just a few days, I tell myself. I will meet her again. I will hold her in my arms. Why are my thoughts paralyzed so that there is nothing in my head except her?

With these thoughts and many more, I climbed onto the bed which was far too big for just one person. With her in my heart and a movie running in the background, my body was still. I thought I’ll calm down. But then no. The thoughts flew into a raging confusion of despair, love, hope, yearning and sadness.

Whats this magic I asked myself? I missed her throughout the day. But then what’s this thing where as I hit the bed my brain throws a medley of confused thoughts?

Then, it hit me. The bed was our space. The space where we shared our hopes and dreams. The space where we shared our innermost fears. The space where we were at our most vulnerable. Any other space in all of universe we as a couple sometimes have to leave space for others. But that’s not the case with the bed. It’s just us.

The space where we become one in mind, body and soul. Its the place where we converse our innermost thoughts inter-spaced with conversations on the common trivialities of the day. It’s the space where we cry, fight and make up. It’s the space where we build confidence in each other’s hearts and drive hope and love into our lives.

This is what I missed. All the calls, chats and video calls will not give us this. Our space. Her and I. Together. Maybe, this is what I am missing. My wife not there next to me as I enter the realm of dreams. The dreams which I alone dreamt for 25 odd years in the darkest of nights but which we both are living in broad daylight.